adopting-back

Natural Parents Adopting-Back / Adoptees Terminating Our Adoptions

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[Update of July 2012]   This post was originally published a year ago, to announce that the Facebook group that was formerly called Adopting-Back Our Children” changed its name and expanded its focus to become “Adopting-Back Our Children / Adoptees Terminating Adoptions.”  As the Facebook group and the accompanying website have both grown and changed over the past year, it is time for an update.

This group has a history dating back to 2002, when it was an MSN Group of the same (old) name hosted by a natural mother named Scarlett West and myself.  When MSN shut down its groups, we moved onto Facebook to continue there.  I fell out of touch with Scarlett.  Once she had adopted back both her stolen twin daughters,  I think she was able to finally able to put adoption entirely behind her and focus on the rest of her life.  Her family has been healed from adoption separation, and her daughters are back home with their mother again, healing from the abuse they suffered at the hands  of a racist, unbalanced woman who should never have been allowed to adopt.

Anyway, back to the topic of the group.  For years, the group and the site focused on the legal process of adopting-back, which of course has always been the “second-best” option, because the very best option would be for all adoptees to be able to terminate their own adoptions as they saw fit.   But, we were unable to gather much information about this being done — until an adoptee joined our Facebook group and told us all about how she was able to legally terminate her own adoption via a Private Members Bill in Alberta.

So we found out that terminating an adoption is not only possible, but it has been done with some frequency in Alberta.   One of these Acts was passed fairly recently in fact, in 2009, the Beverly Anne Cormier Adoption Termination Act.    This excerpt from the Standing Committee on Private Bills  proceedings gives some details of why a private members bill was used:

“Ms Dean: Certainly, Mr. Chair. As all committee members are aware, a private bill seeks something that’s not available through the general public law. Bill Pr. 1 is seeking the termination of an adoption order because, basically, the petitioner is unable to get recourse in any other way. A person is unable to set aside an adoption order after one year unless it has been procured by fraud. Now, that’s not the case here. There’s been no fraud, so this is the appropriate tool by which one goes about terminating an adoption of this type. It’s a fairly rare type of bill, but these have come before the Assembly before. The most recent one was in 1998.”

Other adoption termination acts have included:

In addition, Mike Chalek was able to get his adoption terminated in a Florida court. , which provides a different means that adoptees can try.   The problem in Mike’s case is that it took the proof of fraud for the judge to grant the petition.   It is uncertain what type of proof other judges may deem to be “sufficient grounds.”  Also published this year was an E-How article, “How to Nullify an Adoption for an Adult.”  I do not know if this article is actually based on real experiences or not, or is  (as many E-How articles appear to be) just a “spam page” having the sole purpose of  displaying a profuse amount of advertising.

But I cannot think of why anyone would deny that all adoptees should have the option to choose whether they want to remain adopted or not.  If they were adopted as an infant or young child, no-one asked them if they wanted to be grafted into a family of genetic strangers.  Some adoptees may choose the termination route, and some may be be perfectly happy with how things worked out in their adoptive families.  But all adoptees should be able to make that decision, unilaterally, of their own choosing.

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Happy birthday, hon!

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Happy birthday, my precious first-born!  I never imagined we’d be reunited for 10 years, 1/3 of your life.   Plus i feel far too young to possibly have a son who is 30!  Come on, I’m not nearly old enough for that!

I still remember that clerk in the furniture store, when we were buying stuff for your/our apartment, referring to you as “my brother” and when i said with a smile that you were my son, she stated in surprise “How old were you when you had him — four?!?”  We had a great laugh over that one!

Anyway, happy birthday, honey.  I hope we have many more great years together, back together, where we belong.  We have come a long long way in only 10 years, restoring everything we could that was taken from us.   But we will never get those 20 long years back, and I think we will both always grieve that loss.

I want to share with my readers how you described to a classmate today the reason why you belonged to Origins:   “I was adopted, and it was the most painful thing that every happened to me.”   Your words are echoed by so many other adoptees I know.  I will forever try  everything I can to take away your pain.

~~~

(Related post, for visitors who have not read how this all began:  February 20, 1980)

Adopting-Back My Son

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This is the first time i have “come out” about this on-line. Last summer, one year ago in 2007, i adopted-back the son who was stolen at birth for adoption from me when I was 17.

I say ‘stolen’ because the coercion that was used on me left me with no choice at all but to surrender him — it is not a “choice” or a “decision” if there is only one viable option given or allowed. To say i “placed” him denies the reality that keeping him was NOT an option I was given and thus there was NO choice. I loved him, I wanted to keep him, and i never wanted to lose him. I was NOT unfit! But unwed mothers where i lived, in 1980, had babies removed at birth by hospital staff if they were unwed minors with no family support for keeping their babies (I have plenty of testimony from other mothers that it was done to them as well). It was truly a form of rape — just as traumatic.

Looking back, I felt so powerless at the time, so much without choice, that I had no way of fighting what they were doing to me. Plus I was entirely naive. I had no idea that nurses taking and withholding my baby from me was not what was done to all mothers. It was only when I “woke up” from the medicine-induced fog I was in, several days later, that I realized they had not brought my baby to me, and that this was not right. I was allowed to see him (but not touch) for about 5 minutes, under the gaze of hawk-like nurses (but I found out much later that they then moved him to another hospital to prevent me from finding him — he told me he had been picked up from the Jubilee, when I had given birth in St. Joseph’s). And I now now first-hand that only when a mother has given birth, has fully recovered from birth without her baby being taken from her or coercion being applied, can she make any decision about adoption.

My 62-yr-old Fundamentalist parents made it clear that they considered it rightful punishment for the sin of fornication, and the social worker had a waiting list of clients she was under pressure to provide babies for — i was forced to sign papers in her office under blackmail that unless i did, my baby would be indefinitely held in foster care. I was not told about welfare or any other resources and my abusive parents (they would use the belt on me if i so much as “talked back” to them) made it clear that i was not allowed to bring my baby home.

After 19 years of searching, i found my son again, and we hugged for the first time one day before his 20th birthday.  It was the first time I was allowed to touch him.

His adoptive parents first told him that they supported our reunion — but he found out as time went on that their view was that “reunion” meant a one-time or limited-time event, that his curiosity would be satisfied and he would say “thanks and bye” to me. Their attempts to control him, to force him to end contact with me, escalated into abuse — culminating in 4 hours of confinement and torture (his words) one night when he was 21 yrs old. He eventually left their house one New Years Day on the advice of the Victim Services units of two police departments.  He was so traumatized by this that he could not speak at all until one year later.

We began talking about me adopting him back. After several years of discussion, and after the complete breakdown and ending of the relationship between him and the people who raised him, we decided to go ahead with it.

So we did it. And we have not looked back. It is a dream come true for both of us.

Reunion can go places beyond what one first expects. It can restore a family which has been involutarily torn apart.

But separated families reuniting again shows that the bond between mother and child can endure past the worst of separations. And it also proves that anyone who is promised by an agency or other adoption business that adopting an infant will provide them with a “life-time guarantee” of “a child of their own” should sue their broker for making false promises. No-one can make promises on behalf of another human being, especially an infant who cannot speak for themselves.

But the best thing of all is that we are back together again, and both of us have reclaimed what was taken from us