Lies the Adoption Industry Tells …

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This is a little list i first began drafting a few years ago which has been sitting on my hard drive ever since.   These are the promises, guarantees, and blanket statements that the adoption industry (comprised of baby brokers such as adoption agencies, lawyers, and facilitators) routinely promote as being the gospel truth.  And they work — the industry now makes over $3 billion a year in profit.  Don’t let it fool you.

Lies the Industry tells to Prospective Adopters:

  1. All families, both adoptive and natural, are the exact same.
  2. The bond between parents and children in all families are the same.  The amended birth certificate will say that you gave birth, so act as though you did. You are now the only mother.
  3. The child needs only you and not the love of their natural parents.
  4. Environment is everything – the child is a blank slate (“tabula rasa”) – all the chid’s skills and aspirations will be yours.
  5. Rest assured that the natural family can never search because the records are sealed tight.
  6. The natural mom is just an incubator, a “b—-mother” and thus her only purpose is to gestate that child and then hand it over.
  7. This child is unwanted, the mother will never return.
  8. If loved enough, this child will never want to search.
  9. Adoptees will never feel hurt by being taken from their natural parents; love from adoptive parents will solve everything.
  10. “The Primal Wound” is a myth.
  11. This is a lifetime guarantee.

Lies the Industry tells to Expectant Mothers:

  1. Your child will be grateful to be adopted and won’t be angry at you for it. Your child will not be damaged by adoption
  2. Adoption shows you loved your child enough to give him/her two parents.
  3. You are not giving him away, you are giving him “more.”
  4. Children need two married parents.
  5. You will get over it and forget your child.
  6. You may feel “a type of grief’ but it will go away.
  7. Young and Unwed = unfit.
  8. The grief is resolvable.  Only flawed women or those who “cling to the past” can’t resolve the grief.
  9. It won’t hurt, or won’t hurt for long. The satisfaction of providing a wonderful future for your child will make any “regret” go away.
  10. Keeping your child will involve more pain, struggle, and sacrifice than surrendering him/her.

Lies that the industry tells to adoptees:

  1. Your mother chose adoption.
  2. Your mother “gave you away.”
  3. Your mother does not love you.
  4. You only need your adoptive parents.
  5. You should be loyal and grateful to your adoptive parents for raising you as your natural mother dumped you and who know where you’d be if your adoptive parents weren’t heroes for rescuing you.
  6. Searching is disloyal and will hurt your adoptive parents

Lies that the industry tells to society:

  1. Infant adoption is natural (false. it’s a relative recent (last 150 years) social experiment)
  2. Adoptive families are exactly like natural families, with no problems at all specific to adoption.
  3. Raising an adopted child is like raising a child of your own.
  4. Infant adoption has been common since Babylonian types (false. adult adoption was common but NOT infant adoption – infants were fostered but seldom legally adopted)
  5. Adoption is about finding homes for unwanted babies.

What is is all about? Filling post-WWII consumer demand for infants.

“Because there are many more married couples wanting to adopt newborn white babies than there are babies, it may almost be said that they rather than out of wedlock babies are a social problem. (Sometimes social workers in adoption agencies have facetiously suggested setting up social provisions for more ‘babybreeding’.)” SOCIAL WORK AND SOCIAL PROBLEMS, National Association of Social Workers, (Out-of-print) copyright 1964 (quote provided courtesy of BSERI).

The broker (agency, lawyer, social worker, doctor, or whomever else took the baby for adoption) made promises to the adoptive parents that permeate the entire adoptive relationship and even impact upon reunion.   And the promises are lies, nothing but a sales pitch.  Brokers knew there was a consumer demand out there from people who wanted newborn babies to adopt.  Brokers knew they could make money by meeting this demand — now $25,000 or more per infant.  So the brokers give promises that these  infants neither knew about nor could keep.  And adoptees are expected to live up to these promises, which they had no part in making in the first place!  It is all done for money’s sake.  It is time to take the profit motive out of adoption.

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8 thoughts on “Lies the Adoption Industry Tells …

    Myst said:
    June 6, 2010 at 1:17 am

    Very good list Cedar… and so very true!! Adoption has always been a pack of lies; that is what it is founded on and until it is at the very least changed to recognise a child’s true identity and their true origins (better, abolished) then it will always be a lie.

    Mara said:
    June 6, 2010 at 2:16 am

    Adoption is like being dumped in a big pile of stinky shit. It’s gross and it smells but everyone else around the adoptee thinks it’s a pile of yummy chocolate cake and wants you to smile and be “happy” and eat it up!!!!

    unicorn said:
    June 7, 2010 at 11:40 am

    “Environment is everything – the child is a blank slate (“tabula rasa”) – all the child’s skills and aspirations will be yours.”

    That lie came back to bite my son’s adoptors.

    My son’s adoptive parents had 2 bio children of their own. The whole adoptive family are academically gifted and have PhD’s.

    My son did not want that. He wanted a job that was hands-on. His adoptive parents made him feel like he was the greatest disappointment of all time because of that. They made him feel so bad about being different to them that he didn’t look for me because he thought I would think the same. It was a heart-breaking reason for not searching for me. He actually apologised for not being a lawyer or a doctor when I found him. How sad is that?

    His adoptive mother was so upset about being lied to about how my son would “mould” into their academic family, that she left a nasty message at the government reunion registry stating that my son was lazy, irresponsible, stupid, etc. and that it was MY fault that I had passed on such BAD genes!
    (it’s never nurture when things goes wrong in adoption apparently). She complained that she didn’t understand him at all and that he was nothing like the rest of the family (well go figure!)

    I get the impression that my son’s adoptive parents mocked him because my son wanted to become a nurse.
    He is a very caring person. When he reluctantly told me of his ambitions, I praised him which surprised him. I told him that I would be very proud of him and would fully support this. He is now 2 thirds of the way through his nursing course and doing well.

    It would seem that his adoptive parents have noticed that we are very close now and they are much more careful about what they say to my son.

    unicorn said:
    June 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

    As for genes – while my found son is on a course for nursing, my raised daughter is a trainee paramedic. My son and my daughter are very close as well, exchanging e-mails about how to cope with shift work, patient handling, etc. They will even be graduating at the same time.
    How cool is that 🙂

    maybe said:
    June 8, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    To unicorn: very cool! I’m gald your son was able to find comfort in knowing how much he is like his family!

    Robin Westbrook said:
    June 10, 2010 at 3:37 am

    Cedar, I am glad to see this out there in black and white. I am especially interested in the lies told to society. North America labors under a cleverly created mythology when it comes to adoption. I got into a debate about the biblical references to what the person insisted was adoption and argued her down over tea and cheese crackers. She finally said, really reaching by this time, that Walt Disney advocated adoption…because Dumbo was adopted by a flock of crows. We were both laughing by this time and I said, “yes, but after he saved the day, he and his nmom were reunited. Besides, the crows made it an inter-species adoption and those never work out.”

    unicorn said:
    June 10, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Cedar – I just wanted to update you on the father’s name situation in Ontario. I have some promising news.

    Background: For those that don’t know, when the records opened in Ontario, over 90 percent of the fathers names were missing from the OBC’s. No unwed fathers are named on OBC’s from the 1960’s, 1970’s and early 1980’s.

    Some government officials have now admitted that the father’s names were either whited out, pasted over with blank forms or that mothers were told that the father’s name would be added later after a paternity statement (I am affected by the last one). Many thousands of mothers were told that they were not allowed to fill it in.

    The good news: I have gone to the Ontario Ombudsman and he has agreed to take on my case to get my son’s father’s name on the original OBC.

    The Ontario Ombudsman Andre Marin is so good at his job that some government members launched a smear campaign against him. It backfired. Public support and most other politicians have forced the government to re-appoint him.

    Mr. Marin is in a fighting mood and he is not too pleased at the way the Ontario government has treated him. That is goods news for me and others.

    Furthermore, a mutual friend of ours has discovered a Supreme Court of Canada ruling through which a father won the right to have his name on the birth records. This affects all provinces in Canada.

    I will keep you posted on that.

    Is your e-mail OK to use yet?

    Kaelan said:
    March 25, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    You are 100% right! Social workers tell so many lies to adoptive families, hold back information, and tell adoptive families that kids that have been taken from birth mom put into foster care, given back and forth and then adopted will be fine after they “adjust”. What a crock of shit! Foster parents who step up and try to pass on information are refused further placements. The whole thing is a sham.

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